Our story so far: Sean realizes he’s about to spend an entire movie wearing a French braid and a diaper, so he shoots the cameraman and makes a break for the car. But it’s parked on the far side of the catering tent, and before he can reach it…
…director John Boorman foils Sean’s escape by cutting to a scene of Zardoz, the Giant Screaming Santa Head floating serenely through the clouds, as it belts out an aria in its surprisingly lovely mezzo soprano voice.
Inside the head, we see a huge mound of sawdust. Apparently, when he’s not defending the Second Amendment and preaching against the penis, Zardoz likes to relax with a little decorative woodworking. But wait! It turns out the sawdust was only there so that Sean could emerge dramatically from the pile (also so that they’d be prepared in the event the audience suddenly barfs). As Sean rises, we can see that he’s dressed like the other pro-gun/anti-penis types (let’s call them The Cheneys), except he has spurned hot pants in favor of a pair of pleather Depends, and he’s accessorized his ensemble with hip waders and crossed bandoliers, creating a look that’s sort of And a River Runs Through It meets the Frito Bandito.
Sean looks around the interior of the head, sees a bunch of naked English people in man-sized Shake ‘N Bake bags, then spies the guy with the blue tea towel on his head, who tells Sean, “Without me, you’re nothing!” (so apparently he’s Cubby Broccoli). Sean promptly shoots him right between the towel, and he falls out of Zardoz’s mouth and plunges screaming to his death. (Well, we’re later told he falls a thousand feet to his death, although at this particular moment he appears to be thinking his Happy Thoughts because he just sort of hovers there in his pajamas like one of the Darling children.)
Anyway, the Giant Santa godhead and its precious cargo of boil-in-the-bag nudists lands at “the Vortex,” an impregnable, futuristic 17th century village where everyone dresses like Flemish peasants but talks like they’re on Space: 1999. Sean wanders around the place and gets successively terrorized by flour, hydroponic Brussels sprouts, and a jack-in-the-box. Fortunately, he finds a talking ring that explains everything in the movie, even when you don’t want it to (Sean: “What is it?” Ring: “Flower.” Sean: “Purpose?” Ring: “Decorative.”) This is a pretty cool gadget, and I wish I’d had one when the Netflix envelope first arrived. (Me: “What is it?” Ring: “Zardoz.” Me: “Purpose?” Ring: “To give self-indulgent crap a bad name.”)
A plain-looking woman appears. Like the other residents of the Vortex, she is an immortal, possesses deadly psionic powers, and is very very boring. Unlike the other “Eternals,” she also apparently thought Scarlett Johansson’s costume from Girl with a Pearl Earring would make the perfect fashion statement if you just accessorized it with a hat made from a Handi-Wipe and dyed the whole thing orange.
Anyway, Orangina mentally bitch-slaps Sean, then places him in a Mylar pup tent decorated with Playboy centerfolds, and we get to watch home movies of Sean riding around with a bunch of other guys sporting Pampers and porn ‘staches, shooting dress extras in the back and forcing themselves on women trapped in gill nets.
The raping and killing doesn’t bother blank-faced Eternal Charlotte Rampling, but she is so traumatized by Sean’s graphic memories of forced wheat farming that she can only speak in words beginning with the letter Q. “Quench it,” she advises. “Quell it.”
Orangina wants to keep Sean, but there’s a no-pet policy in the Vortex, so the Homeowners Association has to take a vote. A male Eternal named “Friend” with prenaturally poofy hair takes a liking to Sean and promises to feed him and pick up after he does his business. The condo board agrees to let Sean live on a trial basis, but insists that in order to prevent him from digging up the flower beds, he has to be crated every night.
The next morning, Friend appears dressed in a skirt and a low cut macramé halter top, his hair wildly teased, and proceeds to methodically beat the half-naked Sean with a bullwhip in a scene that’s totally free of any homosexual undertones.
The rest of the Eternals sit down to lunch, where they pass a green baguette around the table and ritually sniff it, while Sean hauls Friend around in a rickshaw as he delivers oddly-hued baked goods to the Apathetics – a group dressed like late Renaissance Walloons who stand motionless and stare into space all day, slack-jawed and drooling. Friend explains that these are the sole survivors of a Zardoz test screening in La Jolla.
Tomorrow — Episode III: Pants!
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